To forgive and forget
If I feel this deeply hurt about a mere living space that I have waited to have for a month, how do people that have been slandered, raped, robbed, falsely accused, and wrongfully convicted feel? Are they also expected to forgive the wrongdoer and just let it go?
My sister recently made a remark that hit me deep to the core. I told her about my most recent troubles and she responded to me with her calm and quiet nature. “Pat, you need to learn to forgive and let go.” She said it with a calm facial expression that made me angry at first. I wondered, “Does she know how angry and wronged I feel?” After that conversation, I could not help but keep wondering how I was expected to let go and forgive this person. I cannot begin to understand how you can completely forgive someone who has hurt you. I do not even know how that is supposed to help you! I have discussed this topic with several people and still have not found a satisfactory answer. Let me give you a little bit of context to describe how I was wronged and why I know that it is going to be difficult for me to forgive and forget in this scenario.
I have been planning on moving to a larger living space. It has been my goal for two years now. I planned and started saving toward that goal because I wanted a better living space. I sacrificed, toiled, and even denied myself some pleasures to be able to afford the move. I love eating out at new places and giving myself all sorts of treats after a long week. Instead of doing all my favorite things over the weekend, I started saving up all my money to be able to afford nice household items and give myself a little bit of comfort. Every opportunity I got to make some more money, I took it up and worked towards my goal. I turned down invitations to go out as long as I knew that the invitation involved spending a lot of money because I was working towards getting myself a more comfortable place. Eventually, I was able to meet my goal and paid for the living space I wanted. I booked it a month in advance, paid for it, and bought all the things I thought I would need for the new home. The only challenge was that the living space I booked was occupied by someone else who was not about to move, a fact that the landlord “forgot” to mention when I was paying him in advance.
When I was ready to move, he told me the place was not available and proceeded to lie to me for a month that he was doing something about it. He constantly disappeared, switched off his phone, ignored my calls, and even insulted me when I tried reminding him about my need to move during that one month. I had already made the payments and was simply waiting for the other person to move. I was patient and followed up on the space politely and calmly as I went through a month of discomfort, anger, and denial. I eventually got to the acceptance stage and stopped asking about it altogether! How am I expected to forgive such a man for the emotional distress he has caused me? How am I supposed to just let it go? To forgive and even forget even when he has insulted me a couple of times.
Forgiving someone who has wronged you is not as simple as people love to say it is. The things that hurt us vary from one person to another and some people have had worse things done to them, so my story is likely the least of the unjust situations out there. I cannot help but wonder, If I feel this deeply hurt about a mere living space that I have waited to have for a month, how do people that have been slandered, raped, robbed, falsely accused, and wrongfully convicted feel? Are they also expected to forgive the wrongdoer and just let it go? How do you forgive a workmate that spreads gossip about you? How do you forgive a parent that abandoned you as a child? How do you forgive a friend that betrayed you or even a spouse that cheated on you? All these events/situations often result in immense emotional pain, hurt, trauma, distrust, and emotional withdrawal. Most people spend years and even decades without ever overcoming the impact these events had on their lives.
One thing I have however learned from this situation is that we do require God’s grace and help in forgiving others. If it were up to me, I would have fought or even exchanged a few words with the landlord but when I thought about the number of times God has loved and forgiven me, I could not help but feel obliged to extend the same grace to him even when he treated me badly. If God can love and forgive him, surely, I could do my best to forgive him too. It has not been easy and I do not expect it to happen so fast because every time I see him, I am reminded of all the ways he has treated me poorly.
Sincerely forgiving others is not going to come naturally to you and me especially if we have been deeply hurt. We need Godly assistance during this process because we are bound to seek vengeance ourselves but with God, it is possible. As you read this today, remember someone who has wronged you and actively ask God to help you forgive them.
